When the pandemic hit the U.S. and the seriousness of the situation started to sink in, marked by the closing of public schools and orders from governors to shelter in place, I was on my way flying from Phoenix to Virginia. I had no idea that my planned week long trip would turn into over a month or that I would experience the terror of being away from my children and having no way to get to them or protect them. Making the same travel journey I had every month for the past year and a half, I was completely clueless about what I was about to face.
How could I not be in the know about all of this you might be asking yourself? Here’s the thing…I am a counselor and I also supervise a large practice of counselors, so bottom line I hear a lot of heartbreaking stories all of the time. When I get done with my day, the last thing I want to do is turn on the news and hear more sad shit. So, I typically don’t. That Wednesday morning flying out of Sky Harbor Airport, I really did not comprehend what was going on, despite the increased use of masks and the slight scent of fear in the air from the other passengers.
I arrived at my destination and everything seemed normal…until we turned on the news and then the next day I got sick. My chest was tight and I had a dry cough, I had been traveling, I felt like I had a slight fever for a day. Two days later my significant other drove me to the emergency room where an armed guard was standing at the door. As soon as the words airplane and trouble breathing were out of my mouth, I was quarantined. I had no idea what to expect and I was all alone. It was one of the scariest experiences I have gone through. A strep-test, 2 throat and nose swabs for the Corona Virus, a Chest X-ray, and one breathing treatment later, I was sent home to self-quarantine until receiving my test results. I tested positive for strep and 11 days later received word that I was COVID negative. Thankful to have bronchitis and not Coronavirus. And yet, my symptoms continued to get worse. 35 days later I am still fighting to breathe freely. After a month of being in Virginia, 2 telehealth appointments, 2 courses of antibiotics and a course of steroids, after trying to get in to be seen by a doctor and being told nobody would see me because of my symptoms unless I went to the one place seeing all of the COVID patients (the receptionist said “you don’t want to come here honey.”), I went home to Arizona. I am still recovering and it is super slow but every day I get a little bit better and I am with my children again.
I shared this story because I know that this time has been very hard for all of us. It has disrupted our routines, introduced widespread panic into an already fear based society, and it has forced us all into some version of isolation. Because I was sick, away from my home, away from my children, finding some sort of routine to cling to seemed nearly impossible. I couldn’t go for my daily run (inadvisably I totally tried), not able to go to my office, didn’t have the routine distractions like cooking dinner for my kids. We talk about children needing routines to feel a sense of safety and security. The truth is that adults need this as well. Stop and ask yourself how your routine has changed, how your normal is not your normal anymore. There is a good chance this is a big part of what is contributing to the sense of un-ease you have been experiencing.
If this feels true to you, please keep reading. I want to share some things that helped me and continue to help me get through this time. These things have also helped me connect with myself in a deeper way.
1. It’s the Little Things: We often talk about the simple pleasures in life, whatever that might mean personally to each of us. In the midst of my experience, I made a list of the things that made me feel good…to be real, at the time it was more about things that made me feel less bad. The Starbucks down the street still had their drive-thru open so I got my iced latte every single day. Something about having that smell and taste instilled a sense of hope and normalcy. Thank you Starbucks! I also included on that list taking walks, watching funny videos on you-tube, eating take-out from my favorite Italian restaurant, taking a long hot shower, putting on good smelling lotion, talking to my children on facetime, making chamomile tea with honey, taking windy drives through the country, doing a task around the house, and laying in the sun. These are all things I began incorporating into my life to help me through this challenging time. My getting up in the morning, taking a shower, putting on real clothes and make-up, getting a Starbucks every day, facetiming with my kids every afternoon, scheduling outside time, and doing a nightly routine with my husband quickly started to make me feel grounded again. I was still struggling physically but my mind began to calm and I started to feel hope again.
2. Serenity is an Acquired Taste: I heard someone say this once in a seminar and at the time it was perplexing to me. Why in the world would anyone NOT want to be serene? The truth is most of us live fairly hectic lives and operate under a high level of stress. We have so much going on all of the time that when things stop for a minute and if we find there is nothing to do, it is an uncomfortable feeling. We have become addicted to the busyness of life and instead of human beings, we tend to live our lives as human-doings. When we slow down, let go of the distractions, and become present we can find a sweet spot of peace and serenity. We only get to experience this if we pause and take the time to embrace this state of being instead of frantically trying to fill the empty space because it is not something we are used to. I challenge you to incorporate 15 minutes each day of quiet relaxation. This could be meditation but it does not have to be. For me, it is taking my morning coffee out to my backyard and sitting by my pool. During this time I do not allow my mind to go into planning mode or into a state of worry. I focus on what I can feel, hear, smell and taste. I listen to the birds, watch the water move in the pool, feel the morning rays of sun on my face. I focus on taking slow deep breaths and enjoy the aromas and taste of my coffee. Then after about 15 minutes, I am ready to start my day with a clear mind. That 15 minutes has always been precious to me, but now, instead of that simply being the time I could get a phone call in, a few bills paid, or that email sent out…time to be “productive”, it is time for me and me alone to center myself and reconnect. Those are 15 minutes I am never giving back.
3. Finding Gratitude: Being sick and having multiple things in your life you are being constantly reminded that you are not in control of can lead to some serious stinking thinking. I don’t know about you all, but for me these circumstances can lead to a black cloud looming and I become some pretty bad company, especially for myself. One thing I have been working on a lot these past six weeks has been practicing gratitude. Yes, I do believe gratitude is a practice. Our minds as human beings tend to focus on and remember the negative rather than the positive. This is actually based in our need to recognize and address threats in order to survive. Because of this, it takes being intentional to shift this pattern of thinking. Being intentional about being grateful is also not enough to make a sustainable change. To make changes to pattern like negative thinking, we can break the pattern by creating a new one. This new pattern also needs to be reinforced with frequency and consistency. I challenge you to write a gratitude list each morning of 5-10 things you are grateful for and then review your list at night before going to bed. You may even choose to add a few things you are grateful for that happened during the day. When making this list, think about the little and big things. Try not to get into a routine of writing the same things and avoid over-generalizations. Commit to doing this for the whole week and notice any differences in your thoughts or emotional state of being.
4. Finding a Sense of Meaning and/or Purpose: During Week two of my Virginia quarantine, my husband’s best friend sent him a card to let him know he was thinking about him. It contained an item that was meaningful to their friendship and made my husband belly laugh with tears in his eyes. I was having a poor me day at the time and when I witnessed what a huge impact a simple act of kindness had on my husband and his mood for the rest of the day, it jarred me out of my self-imposed misery. The next day I started sending out cards to my family, co-workers, and friends. I noticed myself smiling reading the messages and picking out just the right card for just the right person. I got excited thinking about how each person would feel getting a piece of unexpected mail. Stage Left: Enter purpose, Stage Right: Exit Pity Party! I challenge you to find one thing to do each day to bring purpose and meaning to your life. Notice how it changes the way you are feeling and your general outlook during your day.
5. What Have You Been Waiting For?: Pause for a second, grab a pen and paper. I want you to write down the following start to a sentence: “If I had all the time in the world and everything I needed to do was done and I could just focus on me, I would ____________________________. Now finish that sentence with as many things as come to mind. How many times do we put the things we want to do that would make us happy on the back burner? We tell ourselves and others, “I just don’t have enough time” or “I’m just too busy with the kids or work” or “my hobbies don’t put food on the table.” I have a little secret for you…life is short and you deserve to live it on your terms. You deserve to be happy! Pick one thing from that list and make a commitment to yourself to take a minimum of 15-30 minutes per day or 30 minutes-1 hour every other day to put towards that thing. If you find your thoughts wandering to what “you should be doing”, STOP IT! What have you been waiting for? The time is now and there will be no other time better than now. Reconnect with yourself and create your happiness!