Welcome back to the Connection Challenge!
Last week we talked about ways to manage our emotional state during these uncertain times and we challenged readers to participate in daily self-care exercises in improve well-being. My hope is that you took advantage of this time to explore these exercises and reflect on how they impacted your thoughts, feelings, and belief system. I encourage each of you to continue to utilize any of these exercises that you found to be beneficial in your daily lives. Remember that new patterns take time to create results and just like any muscle, the more we work it the stronger it becomes!
This week we are turning our focus to connecting with others and today the focus is on our children. I would like to share a bit about how recent events have impacted my family. I am a mother of three and my children range in age from 12 to 19 years old. The state of the world in this time has created a great deal of stress for all of my kids, showing up in each of them in different ways. They have expressed discomfort with the impact of the pandemic on their lives and have experienced challenges in adapting to the (hate the phrase but going to use it anyway) “new normal” of school online, not seeing friends because of social distancing, and the barrage of doom and gloom news on the television and social media. When I asked my youngest to talk to me about what he was feeling, he took some time to articulate what he was going through. I could tell that he, himself, was not too sure how to express what he was feeling. He stated, “I don’t know what’s wrong. I just really don’t know.” He was able to identify that the huge changes of not having his normal routine that he was accustomed to for the last 8 years of his life and not being able to see friends in person was becoming more challenging each day for him. His routine created normalcy for him and this normalcy creates security and a belief of “I am safe” in children. For my son, being thrown out of his routine with no idea about an end date and lots of speculation about outcomes put him into a state of uneasiness. This created anxiety that he did not know how to label because it was something he had never had to experience and sort through before.
Yes, children are adaptable and yes, children can become more resilient when facing challenges in life and growing through them. That being said, our children today do not have the level of distress tolerance or the ability to identify and manage emotions that generations before them have had. This is not a “base knowledge” for them. Rather, it is something that needs to be taught and practiced. This blog will not be going in depth into the why behind this, as it is not the topic we are discussing today. Just know that our children have a need for some extra coaching in the area of sorting through and coping with emotions. Please note this does not mean I believe we should wrap them in cotton and protect them from the world. Not at all actually. We need to expose them to the world AND we also need to be there to help them make sense of the things that happen, find meaning, and apply through learning these concepts to their daily lives to help them increase their abilities to tolerate distress.
If you are a parent or an adult who has children in their life in some way, please understand that this is a particularly challenging time for them, and also that it could be a huge opportunity for them to grow in their abilities to tolerate distress and manage emotions. It is also a huge opportunity for you to connect with these children. This week we will be offering suggestions on how you, as a parent, can help encourage your child(ren) to identify and work through the emotions they are experiencing. Doing this with them will begin to build connection between you and them. You will notice that this week is more about how you talk to your children as opposed to activities. This is a very important step in building the framework for a strong supportive relationship. Next week we will delve deeper and discuss how to deepen your relationship and connection with your child(ren) through meaningful experiences.
Strategy Number One:
Three Step Approach to Effective Parenting:
In order to set a child up for being a healthy adult there are three things we need to provide equally for them. We need to provide them with affirmation, nurturance, and we also need to supportively set limits. Affirmation is demonstrating to our child “I see you.” It is validating their reality and also who they are as a human. It is letting them know that even if we do not see a situation the same way as they do, that does not mean their reality is any less valid than ours. This gives them the ability to set boundaries in their lives and have healthy connections with other people. It is also teaching them how to later affirm themselves when you are no longer there all of the time to provide that feedback. Nurturance is about demonstrating care and love to your child. It is about letting them know that you are there and they are safe, that you love them for exactly who they are. No matter what they do or don’t do, their value and worth will not change. This is teaching them that it is not just okay, but necessary, to practice self-care in their lives. This also gets them in touch with the concept of self-love. Functional relationships occur only when an individual is capable of loving themselves. Setting limits is about consistent and supportive boundary setting. This is a crucial step in the parenting process, as it helps children to learn and internalize concepts such as moderation and living in balance. It teaches children to make healthy decisions for themselves so they are able to experience a life of contentment. All three of these things are equally as important and without all three the result is unbalanced parenting. If we provide lots of affirmation and nurturance but no limits, our children will not learn self-discipline. If we provide only limits but do not affirm or nurture, our children will not learn to love themselves and as a result will also struggle with interpersonal relationships. Here is an example to demonstrate this concept:
Your daughter (let’s give her the name Amanda) is 16 and just received her license before the pandemic occurred. She had been counting down the days for the last 18 months until she was “free” and would be able to visit friends at her leisure. Now you have delivered the news that she is on lockdown for an undefined amount of time, that she cannot drive, and she cannot see friends unless it is through facetime or some other social media channel due to social distancing. You also inform her that the governor has closed the schools for the rest of the year and she would begin online school in two weeks. Upon receiving the news, Amanda looks at you and in an escalated voice tells you “This is so not fair!” “The government can’t make me not see my friends!” You may tell her something like “Calm down, this isn’t forever.” “You should be grateful that we are not sick and that we still have jobs.” This probably elicited a very strong eye roll and a noise that sounded like a purposely stifled growl or scream, followed by stomping away and a slamming door. Your daughter’s reaction was possibly in your opinion a bit dramatic…and maybe it is…but this is also an opportunity. An opportunity to help your daughter tolerate distress, manage emotions AND to connect with her as a parent. So, here we go:
Let’s practice our skills with Amanda. After a 10-15 minute cool off break, approach Amanda. Let her know you would like to talk to her. After settling in to have the conversation, first focus on affirming, then nurturance, and last limit setting.
Step 1: Affirmation: Amanda, I want you to know that I see how upset you are. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. You were so excited to be driving and seeing your friends, you probably had lots of plans already and then all of a sudden none of that is possible right now. I can imagine you are probably really disappointed and frustrated about all of this.
Step 2: Nurturance: I can’t change what is happening, I sure wish I could. I want you to know that I really love you and that I think I understand some of what you are feeling. I am here to talk if you want to.
Step 3: Setting Limits: Unfortunately, even though we both want to change the situation, it is not possible right now. We need to follow the rules to keep everyone safe. It’s okay to not be happy about it. We also need to treat each other with respect and work together as a family. We will get through all of this together.
Strategy Number Two:
How to help your child identify and express what they are feeling:
a. I see you: The first step is pointing out what you are noticing in terms of behavior. “I am noticing that you are a little quiet this morning” or “I heard your door slam upstairs and it seems like something might be going on.”
b. Ask clarifying questions: Next ask some questions without telling the person how they are feeling or how they should feel. “Is something going on?” or “How are you doing?”
c. Affirm their reality: When your child shares any part of what might be going on, validate them. This does not have to be agreeing with their perception. It is telling them it is okay to feel what they are feeling. “I can understand how hard that might be” or “I bet that was really tough” or “That really sucks.”
d. Dig deeper: Ask more questions about how they feel and what they think. Get SUPER curious about how they are processing what happened. THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY! Your opportunity to get to know your child better and through supporting them in processing, they are also getting to know themselves better.
e. Let it be: DO NOT FIX. This is not the purpose of building connection. Help your child process their emotions and then they will most times generate their own solutions. You can ask them questions like “Have you thought about what you might do next?” or “What do you think will happen?” Let your child know that you are there for them to talk more or offer whatever support they need. If they need a solution, they will ask and even then I support you in returning that ask with “What do you think you should do?”
The two strategies listed above are guidelines to facilitate a stronger relationship with your child and to facilitate their abilities to tolerate distress and manage emotions. My challenge to you this week is to attempt each of these strategies at least two times and notice how your interactions with your child change. Also, notice how it feels for you to interact with them in this way. Did you feel an urge to fix instead of just listening and letting your child generate their own solutions? Did you have any challenges in setting and sticking to limits? Did you find yourself wanting to tell your child that they should or should not feel a certain way (invalidating)? If so, congratulations! You are human! This is an opportunity for us to grow as well!
Check in again next week for Activities to Deepen Your Relationship with Your Child.