Welcome back to Part Two of Reconnecting with Children!
Last week we learned about strategies for connecting with our children and really delved into the way we can talk to our children to help them feel supported and nurtured, as well as how we can set limits in a way that they can hear us better. As promised, this week we will be presenting several activities you can do with your children to help facilitate a close, healthy relationship.
First, I think it is important to point out that there are many different ways of connecting with others. If you have a child who does not prefer or is uncomfortable with having direct conversations and every time you try to talk to them you get the slight grin with an eyeroll, “ugh…mom” or the famous noncommittal response of “I don’t know” not to worry. It’s okay! You don’t have to force a deep conversation from your child. The wonderful thing is that you can connect with your child in both active and passive experiences. Both are incredibly meaningful AND the passive activites often elicit opportunities for direct communication (active). So, let’s dig a little deeper…
Here are two simple connection experiences you can do fairly easily with little preparation over the next week:
Active Connection Experiences:
1. Dinner Table Check-In’s: Even in current times when you more than likely are around your child an increased amount because of self-isolation mandates, I find that we can spend a lot of time together occupying the same physical space and still be worlds apart. Being distracted or spending passive time does not necessarily on its own facilitate deep conversations. So, in our household, we often participate in a dinner table check-in. It sounds a little funny, and the first couple of times might be a bit awkward but stick with it. If one of the members of the family seems put off in participating, do your best not to attach to the reaction and keep going in a positive way. When I started doing this at our table there was a mixed reaction at first but after a couple of weeks if I forgot to lead with our now built in nightly tradition, I would be quickly reminded, many times by the family member most reluctant in the beginning to participate. Check-ins are a simple process. Each family member takes their turn talking about the high point and low point of their week. Family members can ask questions about what they share, however, this is not the time to get into advice giving etc. It is extremely important that the parent(s) at the table also share and that they share authentically. This is a great way of feeling connected to one another in real time. You will find that over time these conversations tend to get deeper when done in a positive supportive atmosphere. If your family does not do dinner together, that’s totally fine. Pick another time such as a car ride or a few minutes before bed time and establish the check-in there. Just make sure you are consistent.
Passive Connection Experiences:
1. Watching a Movie: So, this is an activity you have already done with your child plenty of times…BUT this time I am going to add a few parameters you may not have considered. First, let your child choose the movie and without a negative response from you. I know that I personally have been guilty of offering up the choice and when my kids have said “Spiderman!!” I have responded by saying something like, “Are you sure guys, you don’t want to maybe pick something you haven’t seen yet or a different movie?” The subtext here is that I don’t want to see the movie you picked and even though I said you get to pick, there are strings and I don’t really mean it. So, if you let your child choose, really let them choose the movie. The second part to this is BE INVESTED IN THE EXPERIENCE! Be attentive to what you are watching and engage in the shared experience with your child. A passive connection experience is when you are simply sharing the same experience, doing something alone together. The experience becomes active when you engage which you can do simply by catching your child’s eye when they are laughing at a scene in the movie or reacting together when startled in an action sequence. LOOK for these opportunities to connect with your child and execute them. Lastly, BE PRESENT! Don’t have your phone out and be sending emails and text messages during the movie. Trust me, your child will notice. If you are not present and engaged, this is simply a tool to entertain your child, not to connect with them. A few other tips…when asking them to pick a movie, you can ask them to choose their favorite or top three and dig a little bit deeper here. Ask them, what made you pick that movie today? What makes that your favorite movie? Or, which character is your favorite and why? These are all opportunities to get to know your child better and to let them feel your acknowledgement.
As we explored both passive and active connection experiences, it is clear that active opportunities can become passive if we do not engage and passive can become active if we choose to be present and utilize them as opportunities for greater connection. Again, we find that it is not simply doing an activity with your child that creates a meaningful experience, but rather the how behind the doing. You will only get out what you put into this process. That being said, intentional engagement goes a LONG way in building the relationship you desire with your child.
Next week, we will begin to discuss connecting with your significant other. Stay tuned!